[NOTE: This is where the blogger gives himself a strict 10 minutes to rattle off whatever about a movie he just saw that he doesn't feel deserves a thoughtful edited review but still feels the need to feed the animals anyway. Quality is of no concern.]
I suppose me walking in three weeks after the fact, the fact being that everyone else has already weighed in on Surrogates, is a little cheap on my part. I don't particularly take pleasure in being the 47th person to stroll in and punch something sucky in the face. In fact, I'd rather be the one who gets the first punch in and then tell everyone else "hey, settle down, he's had enough". But hey, I need some space to fill, and I also went and saw Surrogates after work today, so what else to reach in and scrape off my brain than this new boring Bruce Willis movie. Don't get me wrong, i'm a fan of Bruce Willis movies (I will defend Hostage), I'm just saying that this latest one of his is beneath any other further qualification. Some guy directed it that has directed other things. I guess some other things that people like. But whatever, he's pretty shitty if you ask me. Maybe he directed Surrogates in a "method director" fashion. meaning, maybe he made himself into some zombie surrgogate droid blob while he directed this film. Maybe he directed from some futuristic lounge chair or la-z-boy like "The Lawnmower Man", or something. If Surrogates is a warning about our f'ed up future, then I'd rather squint through Dee Snider's Strangeland all over again. Really. What's the point of making a movie like this PG13? Really, all anyone wants to know about people who have their robot selves running around town being controlled by their brains back home is what happens when their robots climax during sex. Do they actually ejaculate or vibrate in their genitals when they orgasm, or does all that imprortant stuff happen back home in the depressing confines of some Idiocracy-type apartment. I don't know. Maybe I'm being too hard on Surrogates. I guess it was kind of neat to see Bruce Willis in glossy paint like he went through one of those pottery kilns that makes things shiny. I also felt bad that he loved his wife so much but she was so addicted to being a "surry" that he was lonely all the time. What was up with that taser thing that the surries got off on at the party? It made me think of tha that orb egg thing from Sleeper that gives all of the guests orgasms. Isn't that what the future really all comes down too? Who cares about war or the environment or population or food or the economy. All we really wnat to make sure about is that our sexual experiences don't get messed up. Cuz, really, when everything else in the world is totally gone and yoou don't even have a rough over your head, well, at least you can give yourself an orgasm. Do homeless people do that? I wonder. Maybe they are too depressed to get those hormones going. What am I talking about? This is depressing.