And yes, undoubtedly, G-Force is the smarter, wittier, flashier, brainier, and - most crucially - shorter of the two films. G-Force wins on all accounts. Director, and visual effects veteran, Hoyt Yeatman even makes it more believable that four little rodents could save the universe over the put-on that Sienna Miller could actually kick someone's ass, that Joseph Gordon Levitt is menacing, and that Rachel Nichols can act (her turn as "Scarlett" is the worst performance of the year, thus far. Imagine a hooker doing her best to pretend that she really has feelings for you, and then think of a charade 4 times less convincing... and then you're pretty close.). As a thirtysomething, I'll still take fart jokes and poop jokes from the mouths and butts of talking animals that a hologram of Dennis Quaid telling us slowly and bluntly that "know-ing ... is ... half ... the ... bat-tle". Sure, we may be dunces for seeing your film, Dennis, but we ain't retarded, ok?
"Knowing is half the battle". That's true, but so is pre-production. And who invited Brendan Fraser to this mess anyways? Seems like a nice guy, but why? Is it because he was in The Mummy? It better have been a director's favor because, he sure isn't cool enough for a cameo. And how about Snake Eyes (indisputably the coolest G.I. Joe ever) having chiseled out lips on his suit of armor? The lips don't move, and Snake Eyes doesn't talk, so why bother even having anything there beyond a smooth surface? It just looks creepy. It actually sexualizes Snake Eyes. I mean, if they gave him lips with fangs, or a slithering little tongue, or even a Billy Idol sneer, I would have been mildly ok with it. But no. Instead, Snake Eyes' perfect mouth just made me wanna kiss him. He looked like the sexiest gimp ever.
I was also almost destroyed by the way the origins of Destro were revealed. I know I sound like one of those shoe stomping fanboys who just can't get over the way they fantasize their false idols in the movies in their heads, but Destro was the coolest bad dude as a cartoon and action figure. In G.I. Joe : The Rise of Cobra, however, he's just kind of soggy and clammy. In fact, the Cobras in general look awful. Where's the BLUE??? I'm guessing the studio and producers saw the old-school Cobra Commander helmet as a little too "Nazi", while the Cobra Commander "hooded" look gave off too much of a Klansman/executioner vibe for our sensitive times. However, what they ended up with is just plain bizarre, a glowing metal concoction looking something like Rocky Dennis mixed with one of those vagina tools that David Cronenberg designed for Dead Ringers.
I will at least give Stephen Sommers the courtesy of putting a half asterisk next to my overwhelmingly negative feelings about his G.I. Joe : The Rise of Cobra, because I was admittedly coming off a two-hour workout and suffering a wicked left-eye sinus headache as I eased down into the theater seat. (Because of that half-asterisk, I will watch GIJ:TROC again when it comes out on video, but I refuse to see it again at theater... anytime soon). I even fell asleep in the film's final battle sequence, which seemed to last as long as four months worth of Catholic homilies slowly rolling off the good Father's tongue while Warren Moon was lining up on the Cleveland Brown's 1-yard line back home on TV. So, if you're Joe-nsing for some Real American Hero popcorn fun, go see G-Force instead. No, G-Force isn't a great film, but you won't feel cheated afterwards, and not feeling cheated is half the summer blockbuster experience.