Thursday, July 23, 2009

STREAM-OF-CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTION - straight-to-dvd edition: THE HORSEMEN

Even the bootleggers on the Mex/Tex border are probably ashamed to carry this movie.
[NOTE: This is where the blogger gives himself a strict 10 minutes to rattle off whatever about a movie he just saw that he doesn't feel deserves a thoughtful edited review but still feeds the need to feed the animals anyway. Quality is of no concern.]
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I can't remember if this movie is called THE Horsemen, or just Horsemen. I don't know. Check your Netflix and I'll check mine after this. (The) Horsemen gives new meaning to straigh-to-video, or at least it might signify a new era in that little thing. Used to be kinda charming that straight to video thing. Some stars were born out of it. It was kind of fun. Now it's a sad graveyard. There's no question that this movie starring Dennis Quaid, Ziyi Zhang, and the weirdo Frogger guy from Seinfeld and weirdo Fargo guy from Fargo, was meant to make it to the big screen. Michael Bay produced it after all. Funny thing is, the credits are mostly white on a mostly white background, so you get the feeling everyone involved really wanted their names to fade away on this one. No kidding on that. Rent this for the credit sequence and then send it back to Netflix. You will impress your mailman and Netflix person on how quick of a turnaround time you have on your rentals. They might think you are cool or at least unemployed and then you will at least make them think that they aren't in your shoes and that life isn't that bad because of that. But yeah, Michael Bay. I mean you can say what you want, but the guy has an ear for what will do well at the box office. What they hell happened here? Jonas Akerlund directs. I guess that's a Norweigan name or somewhere from one of those three penis countries. He used to direct videos for The Offspring or No Doubt or someone. Poor guy. And then Patrcik Fugit is in it too. "Almost Famous" is sadly very true. They little dude just can't get over that hump. He's running out of time too because that baby face is gonna lose it's elasticity scene and he's gonna look washed up at 29 like Edward Furlong did. Poor E.F. And Lou Taylor Pucci does his best not to look too androgynous in his terrible haircut and angelic face. The kid is good, but like Fugit, his agent must just suck. So in the last few minutes here... the movie is like Se7en meets The Cell, but shortened down to 90 minutes b/c it sucks more than both of those movies combined. There is a seedy underside that I'm sure the set designers put all of their strength into. There is a dude who is like that Jaqioun Phoenix character in 8MM and he talks about wacking off to Belladonna. That was my favorite part b/c I'm into Belladonna too. She's scary but I like scary girls. And the dude talks about "cock stretching". I'm proud to say that even with all the sick thoughts and curiousities I have, I have no idea what taht is, but maybe I will look it up on Google after this. At least Horsemen, THE gave me that. Dude, Dennis Quaid, you are DOA in this movie. BAd joke, but kind of a cool reference. You get it?

19 comments:

Slayton said...

Poor Akerlund. His video for Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" is one of the tightest, most entertaining and best-edited music videos I've ever seen.

Marilyn said...

I love these reviews. They really give these films their (un)due.

Fox said...

Slayton-

I need to check out what else Akerlund has directed. I was just pulling from a fever rush when I mentioned No Doubt. I don't even know if he did a video for them. I just remember seeing his name on MTV a lot when they played videos.

OK, I just did... he has a lot of famous videos. I recall liking the one for Smashing Pumpkins "The Everlasting Gaze". He also did the "Smack My Bitch Up" video which I remember being kind of disturbing.

Oh... and he directed Spun. I never saw that.

Fox said...

Marilyn-

Thanks. They are actually very therapeutic, and not just in a writing way. I got frustrated last night over something that was my own fault, and when I zipped through a post in 10 minutes it really relieved some stress.

Maybe I should take requests. OR, maybe in some marathon session one night I should live blog a movie in this style. That would be interesting... and probably really annoying to read, BUT, it would look like I wrote a really, really long essay when I'm finished! And then maybe we can get it published as a book and then it will become this freak success and I will make $10 million dollars and I can spread it out among the TOERIFC members and we can all kick back and quit our jobs and blog forever,

Marilyn said...

I don't know about blogging forever. The way I've been feeling this week, I may never blog again - just take up the job of roving commenter. I can't concentrate. I was even thinking of doing a post today on the local TV programs I used to watch as a child just to do something - how lame!

bill r. said...

I had the idea of live-blogging a movie a while back, Fox. Don't steal it, or you'll be in deep shit.

Fox said...

I don't know about blogging forever. The way I've been feeling this week, I may never blog again - just take up the job of roving commenter. I can't concentrate. I was even thinking of doing a post today on the local TV programs I used to watch as a child just to do something - how lame!...

First of all, that post idea doesn't sound lame to me.

But... do you feel like you're in a general slump to write about movies or do you just feel there is nothing out there right that inspires you to? Or, neither?

Fox said...

I had the idea of live-blogging a movie a while back, Fox. Don't steal it, or you'll be in deep shit....

Let's do one together! It will be like dueling banjos but with super-witty banter instead of redneck melodies!

Marilyn said...

I've been pretty exhausted - we had a really bad, but stupid scare on Monday (a bunch of brain-damaged "friends" of Shane's daughter thought she was missing and got Shane all worked up - she wasn't, and I said so). I've been busy at work. We're watching "Torchwood" all week, so no movie viewing. And I just don't have any energy or inspiration to write anything right now. I feel bad because I like to keep the content on Ferdy fresh, but it just ain't happening this week.

You really don't think it's lame? I sometimes feel like nostalgia-fests don't interest anyone but the people wallowing in them. (There is one interesting, movie-related fact - the young woman who was The Blue Fairy ended up playing Salome in Nic Ray's King of Kings!)

Fox said...

I sometimes feel like nostalgia-fests don't interest anyone but the people wallowing in them....

Yeah, I know what you mean, but if those "fests" connect to the readers as well, then they can be fun. Plus, sometimes it's fun to just get something out of your system. That was my initial reason for starting a blog. To have an outlet for bottled up stuff.

Now I feel the pressure to entertain people like Bill every day and it can get stressful!!!

Fox said...

BTW, Marilyn... your comment reminded me of this brief post by Megan McArdle over at the Atlantic.

bill r. said...

Fox, I would be into pairing up for something. But what?

Fox said...

Fox, I would be into pairing up for something. But what?...

What about The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? I've always wanted to watch that... but maybe that's too easy.

Marilyn said...

Interesting link, and link to link, Fox. I really don't know what kind of blogs they are talking about - personal blogs, I guess. When one writes about a specific topic, like film, one is really starting a magazine of sorts. That's completely different. All of us have, I'm sure pretty respectable traffic numbers, and I know for a fact the people closest to me in the real world rarely if ever read my blog.

bill r. said...

Fox - No. Something more along the lines of The Horsemen, I'd say, only maybe with more potential (either positive or negative potential).

Fox said...

and I know for a fact the people closest to me in the real world rarely if ever read my blog....

I'm pretty sure that's the case with me too. I kinda like it that way, though it's not something I work towards. The only people I completely block out are my immediate family (I have my reasons).

I know you have Rod on your site, but have you thought about "merging" with others to alleviate some of the content pressure from you? I know you said you had plans to monetize things.

Fox said...

Bill-

Let me do some brainstorming (you do some as well). Another straight-to-dvd could be fun b/c they don't get as many write-ups as theater releases, but I'm up for anything new or old.

Or, we could just blog about Dennis Quaids nose for 2 hours. Just free associate on the snozz of D-Quaid yo! I like noses, and his has a lot of character. Check that sucker out in the poster above!

Marilyn said...

Fox - I'm really happy to join others' efforts, but when it's my house, it's on my terms. I'm just kind of a perfectionist and have tried to work with a few other writers on the site. They didn't cut it. Rod and I are completely simpatico, and if I ever give it up, I'll turn it over to him. I probably will give it up eventually. I get bored with everything eventually, and I'm starting to bore of films.

Rick Olson said...

Great post, Fox. I like it when you do that. Write posts like this, that is.