Saturday, May 02, 2009

STREAM-OF-CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTION : X-MEN ORIGINS : WOLVERINE

[NOTE: This is where the blogger gives himself a strict 10 minutes to rattle off whatever about a movie he just saw that he doesn't feel deserves a thoughtful edited review but still feeds the need to feed the animals anyway. Quality is of no concern.]

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The Wolverine movie. It wasn't the worst movie of the year so far. Hugh Jackman jumps of a waterfall naked and it weird. Patrick Stewat looks like a Magick Marker drawing behind the worst greenscreen ever. But those are good things. Good things (maybe) were one of the little elves from Lord of the Rings in a brief supporting role. He was good. Also, "Fat Bastard" is in this movie. It's weird. It might be the only good part b/c it looks like the guy is wearing an actual body suit instead of dumb CGI like in Iron Man when Jeff Bridges turned into the villain. Liev Shrieber looks kind of cool. They all have muscles and veins. The girl looks like a Megan Fox reject which isn't supposed to be a compliment to Megan Fox because I agree with whichever annoying celebrity blogger said she looked like a tranny. Wolverine doensn't die in the end! If you thought that was a spoiler then you are dumber about comics than I am. But any below average movie is at least fun to watch at the best movie theater in the world (the Alamo Drafthouse with 4K projection. Best projection in the world. I bet the president doesn't even have that quality in his movie theater). But the guy next to us talked to his girlfriend! And this was right after their was a faux-PSA beforehand from Danny Devito to tell everyone to shut up. This one thing I don't like about the Alamo. They let you drink beer. Beer makes normal people think they are funny. The dumb guy next to us threw out one-lines like "bummer" and "ouch" that luckily made nobody laugh. He was also wearing gross shorts and had a goatee and use a flashlight to eat his food. But Wolvering. Yeah, the director of that movie Tsotsi did this Wolverine movie. That movie wasn't any good. People said it was b/c it was about a little boy who lived in a shack and smoked crack but it was really not good. Then he did Rendition which was just terrible. So then why Wolverine?? Who knows. OH, and Will.I.Am is in the movie as a shape shifter. What the hell? And then I'm about to watch Planet Terror which has Fergie in it. Nice Black-Eyed PEas in all the movies I"m watching. Why are the BEPs in movies? At least WIl.I.Am dies from Liev Shreiber takeing his claws and crishing his spine. Is this how he financed those lame Obama yes wE Can videos on YouTube? Yeah, I bet you guys are gonna be embarrassed by those one day. Or maybe not because you think it's cool to name yoursefl Will,I.Am. THE END.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

yes! best movie review. ever. -s.d.s.

Nova Mob said...

I second that. Hilarious, dead-on.

Jason Bellamy said...

Great rant.

"Beer makes normal people think they are funny." Yeah, no kidding. People suck.

hokahey said...

This is a great idea for movies that don't deserve more than 10 minutes of writing. Actually, I was thinking of a one-sentence review for Obsessed. As for the movie in question - it was ho-hum for many reasons, but it definitely lost me with the Fat Bastard scene- especially with the obvious product placement - when John Wraith sets down the Budweiser on the platform and then turns it so the label is nicely centered. I am absolutely done with superhero movies.

Fox said...

Everyone-

Thanks for the encouraging words. I think this will be a fun and easy way to get posts up.

Jason-

What's funny is that the Alamo is super militant about "NOT TALKING" during the movies. They say it at least 3 times up on the screen before the movies starts. But then there is someone who just doesn't get it. They must think "well, an audible whisper isn't really talking, so it's ok". People amaze me.

Hokahey-

I missed the Budweiser PP. There was tons of Starbucks PP in Obsessed. At least four that I can recall.

And you should do your one-sentence Obsessed review for sure.

Rick Olson said...

I think this will be a fun and easy way to get posts up....

I think this will revolutionize movie blogging as we know it. I am always looking for easy ways to post, because I am the laziest bastard alive.

As you say, I thought Wolverine wasn't the worst or the best, it just was.

PIPER said...

Review funny. Butterflies are pretty. My neck kind of hurts but I don't know why.

Nomad said...

i almost laughed out loud when the helicopter blew up, then blew up again, then one more time...